19 weeks, 0 days

I have been discovering many blogs as I search around the world wide internet. I don't know if this is such a great thing for me because the more and more that I read them, the more I get anxious and scared for what is coming. My husband thinks I am nuts when I retell the stories of twin loss and micropreemies. He doesn't understand why I read them. I feel so sad for these families; I can't imagine having to go through what they have to go through on a daily basis. I had my daughter when I was 15 years old. I didn't have hardly any prenatal treatments and didn't do anything the way I was supposed to but thank God above, she is perfect. She was perfectly healthy when she was born and has continued to be perfectly healthy throughout the almost 9 years in this world. I am so grateful for this as I know that I did not deserve it. I just hope and pray everyday that my twins will be healthy. I have done everything right this time. I starting taking prenatal vitamins months before conceiving, I haven't drank a drop of alcohol since before we tried to conceive and I quit smoking cold turkey before conceiving because I knew that I wanted my babies to get the healthiest start at life possible. After reading all these blogs, I realized that these things do not always matter. I am scared. I try to tell my husband that I just like reading the blogs and that I know nothing is wrong with our babies but I am truly scared. I don't know how I would handle losing one of my kids or having an unhealthy child for the rest of my life. I do not know how anyone let alone myself could handle this. Every twinge that I feel in my body, every pain or movement, I pray that my two little girls are ok. Maybe I am crazy. Right now, I just want to go home and kiss my daughter. I want to hold her, kiss her and hug her and let her know how much I love her with everything a mother has to love. I want to tell her how grateful I am to have her in my life. I hope that she will always know this. I hope that my future children growing inside me know how much I love them already and how much I am hoping and praying that they come into this world knowing how much their parents want them healthy and happy.

I guess I am feeling a little depressed and tired today...